


sunshine, i'll be your light

by jbhmalum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dysphoria, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slight Transphobia, Trans Character, also ashton is tagged but he's only lierally mentioned twice, it's luke luke is trans, luke is pretty (and struggling with it) and calum is wholesome, researching school terms for australia was... interesting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27729862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum
Summary: "Huh, hi," Calum says awkwardly as he comes to a stop beside him. The boy looks up hastily, startled, his hood sliding off his head to reveal tousled, long-ish curly hair and big blue eyes staring up at him, wet and sad. Calum knows this is him right there and then. “It’s Luke, right?” he asks still, just to be sure. “I’m Calum. Can I sit with you? I don't really have any friends.”In which Calum meets a boy who struggles with being himself. Calum tries to help, all while pretending he isn't falling in love in the process.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood
Comments: 13
Kudos: 62





	sunshine, i'll be your light

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello!  
> So, this first started with this prompt: “you are/he is the embodiment of actual sunshine” I got from [bella's](https://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com/) spidey anon back in august. I struggled figuring out what I wanted to do with it for months, then I got this idea and rolled with it and I'm glad. I really poured my heart into this. Disclaimer though: I am not trans. I'm just someone who's fascinated with people and their stories and so I've done lots of research (which is what made me want to write this fic in the first place) and listened to people who are trans and took from their own experiences to write this!  
> A huge thank you to my love [bella](https://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com/) for editing this for me and giving me such great feedback to make this even better!!! i adore you <3  
> I am excited to have this out!!
> 
> Enjoy! xx

The thing about Calum is that he’s always been very empathetic. He’s not saying he's the best person, or even teenager on Earth — though his sister  _ would  _ say it, and maybe if she did he wouldn’t argue — but he feels more for others than he knows most people do. Which mostly means that he always feels the need to help people.

Today is a bright summer day at the beginning of senior year, hot but pleasant. Calum is sitting in the cafeteria eating his mom’s leftover spaghetti, scrolling through social media mindlessly when he hears it.

“... and I don’t know anybody. Can I sit with you?” a timid voice asks from somewhere to Calum's right. He doesn’t know why it catches his attention, but Calum feels drawn to it anyway. Maybe it’s the slight, barely concealed tremble in it that reminds Calum of himself not too long ago.

“Why the fuck does that girl think she can hang out with us? Get outta here, nerd,” comes the response from Brian or Ryan or something, a jock in Calum’s year that always gets on everyone’s nerves.

“I’m not a girl,” the first voice says, “my name's Luke.”

Calum turns his head at that, and he inwardly cringes at the scene he's dealt with. A boy is standing at the end of the huge table across the aisle from him, holding a tray close to his chest. From where he's sitting Calum can't see his face, hidden behind a gray-ish hood, but he can see him bouncing from one leg to another in nervousness. In front of him the four jocks are laughing at him mockingly, whispering between themselves as they side-eye the boy Calum assumes to be Luke.

“What the fuck do you mean, ‘ _ Luke _ ’?” one of the guys retorts through a chuckle. “You don’t look like a Luke.”

_ Don’t _ , Calum thinks,  _ please don’t _ .

“Yeah, you look more like a Lucy.”

“Or a Laura.”

“Stupid tomboy thinks she can be one of us, look at her.”

The group erupts into mean laughter, and Calum can only watch, heart squeezing in sympathy as the boy runs the other way and out the door, throwing his untouched tray to the ground before disappearing out of Calum's sight.

To his right those stupid boys are still laughing hysterically as if they're having the time of their lives, and Calum feels himself boiling inside. He's watched Michael, his best friend in the entire world, be bullied by guys like them his entire life; he can't watch them do it to someone else. 

"You guys are dickheads, why can't you just let people be?"

Four sets of eyes turn to him then, annoyed at being interrupted in their banter, almost making him regret saying anything as he swallows. He doesn't look away from them, though. He still feels this pang of hurt for Luke that he can’t ignore, even though he doesn't know him.

“Is that your girlfriend or something?” one of them snickers.

“ _ He _ is not my  _ boyfriend _ -”

“Fucking hell, look, boys, another delusional one.”

“We’re not delusional, you just need to respect-”

“Oh, shut up, will you?” Brian — he’s pretty sure it’s Brian, not that it matters — cuts him off. “Come on boys, time to go. Let ‘im get back to his girlfriend or…  _ whatever _ .”

All of them start laughing again, but before Calum can say anything else they’re getting up and out of the cafeteria with one last mocking look towards Calum.

Calum goes back to his food, a sad frown on his face and his mind filled with thoughts of this faceless Luke boy. 

* * *

Luke doesn't remain faceless for long.

Calum is walking by the tables outside of the cafeteria with his lunch box three days later —  _ alone _ , since Michael has decided he doesn’t need school anymore — when he recognizes the gray hoodie on this boy sitting by himself at one of the tables.  _ It could be anybody _ , a voice warns in his head,  _ you haven't even seen his face, anyone could own that hoodie _ . The voice isn't wrong, per se, but he has this gut feeling that this is the boy he's been looking for. Well– not that he’s been actively looking for him or anything, but let's say he’s been waiting to see him again. Just to make sure he’s okay. Or safe, at the very least.

"Huh, hi," Calum says awkwardly as he comes to a stop beside him. The boy looks up hastily, startled, his hood sliding off his head to reveal tousled, long-ish curly hair and big blue eyes staring up at him, wet and sad. Calum knows this is him right there and then. “It’s Luke, right?” he asks still, just to be sure.

“Huh, yeah, I mean– how do you know?”

There’s the voice Calum remembers.

“I overheard you saying it, I think.” He shrugs, not wanting to put Luke on the spot in front of a stranger. “I’m Calum. Can I sit with you? I don't really have any friends.”

Luke nods slowly, though he seems wary at first as Calum joins him and takes out his food. Calum doesn’t hold it against him. Those guys the other day were absolutely awful, and it’s probably not the worst Luke’s experienced in his life. He doesn’t know how long Luke has known he was a boy, or how long he’s been telling people he is one, but he imagines it can’t be easy, having people invalidating who you are at your core like that.

“So,” he asks after a few minutes of neither awkward nor comfortable silence, just the two of them eating together, “are your pronouns he/him then?”

Luke’s head snaps up so fast it’s a miracle he doesn’t hurt his neck, and Calum just looks as his eyes get wider and wider before his mouth starts doing the same thing. Before long he’s full on grinning, though there’s still a shy and hesitant look in his eyes, and he lets out a chuckle, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. It's too short to hold there, though, so it springs right back into his eye.

“Hum, yeah. That’s- that’s me. Do you use he/him, too?”

“Yep, that’s me, too. Nice to meet you.”

“Cool,” Luke says more firmly as he shakes the hand Calum offers him with his own. It’s soft and small and slightly cold against Calum’s skin. He doesn’t want to let it go, wants to keep it warm, but that would be weird, surely, so he does let go before Luke can catch on to anything. Not that there’s really anything to catch on.

They continue eating lunch together, not talking much but enjoying each other’s presence, and he can feel Luke loosening up little by little. Calum’s glad, and he finds himself smiling, too, at the prospect of making a new friend.

* * *

After exchanging numbers they go back to their respective classes, but Calum convinces Luke to walk with him after school. They end up walking to the port under the smoldering summer heat, but Calum is surprised to see Luke still keeps his hoodie on while Calum is sweating like crazy in his t-shirt. He can’t be comfortable.

“Well,” Luke starts hesitantly when Calum asks him why, fiddling with his hands. “I mean, I’m melting right now, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not very comfortable with people seeing, you know,” he vaguely motions towards his chest, obviously uneasy.

“Oh, right.”

Calum scratches the back of his head in embarrassment, because of course, he's an idiot, that was such a clumsy question to ask. He shuts up, and they continue walking along the water in silence for a while. At least Luke isn’t hiding under his hood, letting Calum appreciate his gorgeous profile, sharp cheekbones and pixie nose and all. He won’t comment on it, not sure if Luke would rather not have these fine features, but he doesn’t stop looking, either. He’s too pretty, and Calum may or may not have a thing for pretty boys — Michael would say he definitely does, but Michael isn’t here, is he? The hair suits him, too, undefined curls cut below his ears and bouncing as he walks, giving him a sunny look.

“You should know that I don’t care, though,” Calum says, stopping Luke in his tracks with a hand on his shoulder.

“About what?”

“The, huh.” He blushes, not quite sure why. “The size of your chest. Or that it doesn't look like mine. It doesn’t matter to me.”

“You say that now, but you’re gonna see me as a girl as soon as you see it and I don’t want-”

“Luke, look at me.” He breaks off, waits until Luke looks up at him before going on. “You’re a boy. You told me so, so that’s what you are. So, it’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable taking your hoodie off, you can keep it on if you want, but if you’re just scared I’ll think differently of you, then don’t. I’ll only ever see you as what you want me to see you as. I promise.”

Luke’s eyes fill with tears as he just stares at Calum. He lets Luke process it, because it doesn’t look like a lot of people have said that to him before, and that makes Calum sad. He doesn’t show it though, because it’s not about him. Luke needs support, apparently, needs people to show him he can be himself and be accepted for it, not someone who’s selfish about issues that aren’t his.

A tear rolls down Luke’s cheek silently, and he lets out a chuckle as he wipes it away.

“Sorry-”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s just that I haven’t even known you for a day and you’re the nicest anyone has ever been to me,” Luke says softly, and Calum wants to hug him.

“That’s a shame,” he says instead.

He looks away respectfully as Luke takes off his hoodie slowly, keeping it close as he crosses his arms in front of him. They start walking again, and Calum doesn’t mention it, waits for Luke to start talking again. The port is mostly empty, and the rippling water is soothing and familiar. Calum has walked this trail many times with his parents and Mali when he was younger. He should ask them to do that again soon.

“Calum?” Luke’s voice shakes him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“How come you’re being so nice about this?”

Calum shrugs. “How come most people aren’t?”

Luke doesn’t say anything else, and when Calum turns to ask him if he’s okay he finds him with his hoodie wrapped around his waist, fiddling with his hands as he smiles softly at his converse-clad feet.

Calum can’t wait to make that smile come out as often as he can.

* * *

The days pass, and then the weeks, and before either of them know it they’re inseparable. Calum has no other friends because Michael still doesn’t want to go to school, and though he’s technically in Calum’s class, Calum is lucky if he sees him one day a week at school. They still see each other on weekends — when Michael isn’t grounded, that is — the way they have since they were kids, but neither Calum nor Michael’s own parents can convince him to actually go to school.

Calum’s a bit bitter, because he doesn’t like being stood up and left to his own devices, but he’s happy he has Luke. And not only because he doesn’t like being at school on his own. Luke is absolutely amazing. He actually just transferred to start senior year here, which is why Calum had never seen him before, and also why he didn’t have any other friends.

Luke would argue that it’s not the only reason why, and maybe he would be somewhat right, but Calum refuses to accept it. He doesn’t want to believe that people wouldn’t want to be friends with someone as sweet and kind as Luke. And now that he trusts and likes Calum, he doesn’t leave Calum’s side, and that surely won’t help him make other friends, but he doesn’t seem to mind that.

Calum’s favourite thing about Luke, he finds out, is how stupidly fun he is to be around. Once he gets comfortable around Calum — which is about a week into their rapidly growing friendship when Calum asks his sister to take them skateboarding downtown; they're both terrible at it and Calum scratches his arm while falling, but it makes Luke laugh, and he hugs both Calum and Mali after they drive him back home — he starts making stupid jokes that Calum isn’t cool enough not to laugh at, and he shows Calum the songs he wrote on guitar about how his brothers stink and will go bald in ten years (“It’s only fair, they’ve made fun of me my whole life, and now they’re not home anymore so this is the only way I can give back.”). He’s a funny kid with a seventeen year-old boy sense of humour and Calum finds himself falling for it.

In a friendly way, of course. Even if Luke is very cute when he smiles and he looks great with his hair hidden under a beanie and he makes Calum laugh even more than Michael does. Which has never happened before. Calum is just grateful to have a new friend he can connect with in such a strong way, and he’s glad he can bring some sort of light into Luke’s life.

“You know,” he tells Calum one day as they’re studying in Luke’s room, “you’re the first person to actually ask me my pronouns.”

“Really?” Calum asks, though he’s not that surprised.

“Yeah. I was kind of speechless, but it made me really happy.”

“I saw that,” Calum admits.

“How did you know to even ask?”

Calum runs a hand through his hair, embarrassed. More for Luke than for himself, though, because he probably wouldn’t like knowing someone overheard him being made fun of.

“A few days before we first met, I heard you talking to those jerks in the cafeteria. You wanted to sit with them and they, huh, called you a girl. That’s how I learned your name, by the way. When you said it then.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I didn’t wanna make you too uncomfortable,” he apologizes.

“Oh, no, that’s okay,” Luke assures him.

“Cool. Anyway, I kinda got mad and told them to cool it.”

Luke’s eyes start shining with something, pride, joy, he doesn’t really know, and he comes and sits next to Calum against the wall. “You did?” Calum nods. “And you didn’t even know me then.”

“I didn’t need to. Those fucking cunts hurt you and you didn’t even eat, I saw you throw away your food afterwards-”

“I’m sorry, did you just swear?”

“I- what?”

Luke’s leaning on his shoulder, and it takes Calum a second to realize he’s trying to smother his laughter, his  _ mocking  _ laughter because apparently he’s never heard Calum swear and for some reason it’s hilarious to him. “Are you for real? I show you my support and you’re laughing at me ‘cause I called an asshole a cunt?” Luke just hides his face further in Calum’s shoulder, and Calum can feel actual tears on his skin as he erupts into a laughing fit. He wants to say something, but his heart leaps and he gets a warm, fuzzy feeling at having Luke this close to him, his cheeks flushing. And Luke’s laughter is kind of contagious, so he ends up laughing, too.

“I take back everything nice I ever said about you, you’re stupid and you’re a  _ child _ , get back to work,” he ends up saying good-naturedly when he’s calmed down, but Luke just keeps close until his laughter has died down, and even then he just takes his notes and stays leaning on Calum’s shoulder as he reads them over. Calum just smiles to himself and wills his heart to slow down, picking up his own homework.

They stay like that so long Luke winds up falling asleep right there against him, notes long forgotten. Calum doesn’t push him away.

* * *

Right before second term starts is when Calum introduces Luke and Michael, figuring it might be time for his two favourite people to meet finally. And, well, it could have gone worse. But it also could have gone so much more smoothly if they weren’t both so  _ bullheaded _ .

The thing is, Calum has always known Michael is stubborn. Case in point, he still refuses to show up to school, hiding away in his room playing guitar or video games, only coming out to see Calum. Calum is  _ used  _ to it. However, he didn’t know Luke was just as stubborn if not worse.

“Luke, I promise, it’s gonna be fine,” he sighs for the hundredth time today.

“It’s not,” Luke replies, also for the hundredth time. “I know guys like your friend, they’re not kind to people like me.”

“He’s not just any guy, he’s my  _ best friend _ -”

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean anything.”

Calum sighs where he’s sitting on the couch, feeling helpless as he watches Luke pace around Calum’s living room. It’s the middle of autumn and the temperatures have started dropping slightly, and Luke is taking this opportunity to wear the thickest sweater he owns, a dull gray thing Calum suspects Luke doesn’t like that much. He’s been having this feeling that Luke doesn’t like a lot of the clothes he owns, no matter how masculine they are. He thinks that’s probably part of what’s bothering Luke, too, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up to him. If it would even be appropriate.

Either way Luke’s wearing this ugly sweater that still suits him somehow, his hair up in a tiny bun. He’s worn it that way during the whole school break, because he’s been wanting to wear his hair shorter for a while, but his mum wasn’t too happy when told that to her, and anyway he wants to make sure he likes having his face showing so much without hair to hide behind. Calum loves it like this, and even though he likes Luke’s luscious hair he finds himself thinking he would look cute with short hair, curls sitting on top of his head and not hiding his pretty eyes.

“And what if he tells you he doesn’t like me?” Luke shakes him out of his thoughts. “Are you gonna stop being my friend, then?”

“Luke, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m never gonna stop being your friend. And the only thing I told you about Michael is that he listens to emo music, has an emo fringe and plays Fifa all day.”

Luke glares at him. “Exactly. He’s going to hate me.”

“I get that you’re cautious, but shouldn’t you know not to make assumptions about people you don’t know?”

Luke sighs, not knowing what to say as Calum is obviously right, and joins Calum on the couch, folding his arms and staring at the door as if it was about to jump out at him.

“What did you tell him about me?”

“Only good things,” Calum promises. “There’s only good things to say about you.”

“Did you tell him I was trans?”

“No. It’s not my place to say.” There’s a pause. “Did you  _ want  _ me to tell him?”

Luke shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Well then you should have told me. I wasn’t gonna do it without you telling me it’s okay first. So no, Michael doesn’t know.”

“But Calum,” Luke whines, and Calum rolls his eyes. He gets it, but he’s also never seen Luke act so dramatic. He’s being a spitting image of Michael right now, which Calum isn’t sure how to feel about. “He’s probably expecting someone who looks like you or him, not-”

A knock cuts Luke off abruptly, and he cowers in the corner of the couch with a sour face as Calum gets up to answer the door.

“Dude,” Michael groans as he enters, dripping wet, “next time you decide to invite me to meet the guy you’re basically cheating on me with, please do it on a day when it’s not fucking pissing buckets.”

“Yes, hello to you too, Mikey, it’s a pleasure as always.”

He still hugs Michael once he’s free of his soaked through jacket, because this is just how they are. Michael acts like a dick for some unknown Michael reason, but he never means it. He may be able to hole up in his room without seeing Calum for days, but that doesn’t mean he’d know how to live without him in his life.

“What?” he hears Luke’s small voice from behind him and they break the hug, turning around to face him. He looks scared and small somehow, hidden under his giant sweater, covered hands in front of his face. “Are you guys together?”

“Would that be a problem?” Michael asks before Calum can jump in, and what the hell?

“What? No, we’re not dating, ew. We’re like brothers. Michael's just  _ joking _ ,” Calum says with a slap to the back of Michael’s head for good measure.

He can see Luke’s shoulders slouch in relief, but he doesn’t linger on that for too long and instead tugs on Michael’s arm to sit him on the armchair.

“Oh, cool,” Luke says once they’re all sitting down awkwardly, Calum back next to him. “But no, it wouldn’t have been an issue, obviously.”

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Calum interrupts, because he can’t believe this is the first thing his two best friends are saying to each other. “Luke wouldn’t care, Michael and I aren’t together. Can we move on to something else,  _ please _ ?”

Both of them nod, put out, and so they proceed to all hang out with the TV providing a familiar background noise, and his friends are talking to each other politely and Calum tries to break the ice a few times but they’re both so guarded and distrusting it’s kind of hurting Calum’s feelings a little. They both have their reasons, he knows. Michael is scared Calum is going to replace him with Luke because he’s always been the only one for Calum before. They’re used to being each other’s one and only, and it’s changing, and Michael is scared. It’s understandable, and Calum isn’t blaming him for that at all.

And Luke. Well, Luke doesn’t trust anybody to accept him the way he is. And he has every right to feel that way because people are monsters, especially teenage boys, Calum has seen it. Luke’s told him before about how guys at his last high school would beat him up for no reason, and then when he started telling people he was a guy last year it got so much worse, and people would mock him and scream slurs at him all the time, leaving him broken more than just on the outside. This is why he had to change schools, to hopefully get away from the constant bullying. According to Luke it’s been better, the occasional insult nowhere near as bad as it used to be, even though it still leaves Luke crying on Calum’s shoulder some days.

Needless to say, Calum understands them both. But he’s been trying to tell them countless times that Luke is not a replacement for Michael and that there’s space in his life for both of them, and that Michael is a good guy who doesn’t give a crap about who other people are.

Apparently he hasn’t been doing a very good job of convincing either of them.

Michael excuses himself to go to the bathroom at some point, and Calum takes the opportunity to turn to Luke, who’s still sulking.

“Do you want me to tell him about you being trans, then? That it’s why you’re so wary of him?”

Luke shrugs. “What would it change? He doesn’t look like he likes me very much already.”

“Luke. Michael’s a very insecure guy, just like you. He’s just not used to me having other friends. That’s the only reason why he’s being like this, I swear.”

“I don’t know. I mean I guess you can tell him. What do I have to lose?”

“Don’t be like that,” Calum sighs just as Michael reappears in the hallway.

He asks Luke to choose some snacks and leave them be for a while and brings Michael up to his room after a quick pat on Luke's knee. Michael and Calum have spent so much time up here in the last ten years, just the two of them, that it feels normal and familiar to have him there. It doesn’t feel too familiar to sit him down on his bed to tell him something so personal about his new friend, though. Like he told Luke, it’s not his place to say it in the first place. And he thinks he understands Luke a bit more now because no matter how sure he is that Michael won’t care, there’s still this little  _ what if _ voice at the back of his mind making him doubt for a second.

But of course when Calum tells him Michael reacts just the way Calum said he would, insisting and practically begging Calum to believe that he’s not a stupid transphobic teenage boy, he doesn’t care, and Calum doesn’t know whether to laugh at his theatrics or cry in relief, for both himself and Luke.

“I’ll tell him I don’t care, Cal,” Michael repeats. “I don’t want him to think there’s anything wrong with him, because there  _ isn’t _ . I’m sorry I was being so weird with him, okay, I was just being jealous and petty and-”

“Oh, I know.”

“You do?”

Calum chuckles. “Of course. It’s okay, though, I get it. But you gotta stop, cause you’re the one who left me all alone at school. I was bound to make friends at some point.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry,” Michael says again before squeezing Calum’s hand. “Can I just ask you one question?”

Calum nods.

“Are you in love with him?”

Calum can feel himself turning red in a second, his whole face heating up as he looks around the room to make sure Luke hasn’t heard that. Hearing the words  _ in love _ and  _ Luke _ in the same sentence is not what he was expecting, his heart pounding in his chest suddenly, and he’s left speechless. He hadn’t thought about it that way, but with the words said so straightforwardly, it makes so much sense.

“Why would you think that?” he whispers after a while when Michael’s staring starts feeling like too much.

“Cal, are you kidding me? I could see the way you looked at him like he hung the moon, and you kept doing little things like put your hand on his thigh when he started getting antsy, I don’t even think you’ve noticed it. You just act so protective of him, I just. I don’t know, I just figured there was something more. Even before I met him I was wondering.”

“Well, there’s nothing more  _ between  _ us, if that’s what you mean,” Caum deflects.

“That’s not what I mean. I’m asking you if you love him. Differently to how you love me.”

“I don't know. Maybe,” Calum says hesitantly as he looks at Michael, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Would that be okay?” 

Michael's eyes widen. “Dude, come on, of course that would be okay. That would be awesome. My best friend is getting a  _ boyfriend _ ,” he singsongs.

"I didn't say anything about getting a boyfriend. I don't think Luke is ready for that.”

“Whatever you say.” Michael grins.

Luke comes back up right then with a bunch of snacks and a bottle of iced tea and Michael rushes to apologize, stumbling on his words a little as he repeats that Luke is fine just the way he is over and over. Luke looks at Calum, relief and a little smirk on his face when Michael hugs him saying he's glad they can be friends.

* * *

Second term doesn't go too bad. Well, for a while it doesn’t.

Luke seems happy wearing his hair tied to school and more comfortable wearing his ugly sweaters than the see-through summer shirts even though he still looks like he's wearing them out of habit and not because he actually likes them. Calum still doesn't mention it, but he makes sure to watch from a distance for when he does. At least Luke looks a bit more at ease, and he doesn’t have to sweat like crazy anymore.

Michael shows up at school for the whole first week, and Calum is elated to have his best friend with him again, especially since that means the three of them can hang out more often. But that happiness is short-lived when he notices Michael's state by the end of it. Even Luke has noticed. He's more tired than Calum's ever seen him, bags under his eyes so dark you’d think he got into a fight, body curved in on himself, and he's jumpy like Calum has never seen.

When Calum walks him to his house on Friday night is when he breaks down completely, the anxiety of the past week catching up to him finally. 

“I can't do it,” he cries into Calum's shoulder on his doorstep. Calum’s never seen him so distraught. He hasn’t seen Michael cry since they were, like, twelve. “I'm sorry, I tried for you and Luke but I can't be around people and I can't focus on anything and I feel so anxious all the time-” 

“It's okay, Mikey,” Calum says. His heart aches for his friend, and he regrets ever pushing for him to come to school again. “I'm sorry. It’s going to be okay.”

They end up telling Michael's parents what's really going on and they take him to see a doctor. The doctor tells them Michael’s social anxiety has turned into him feeling extremely anxious about being in any school environment whatsoever, and Michael’s excused from physically going back to school if he concedes to being home-schooled for the rest of the year. He does, begrudgingly, because he doesn't want to feel like that ever again, and then it's just Calum and Luke again at school.

It goes well, for the most part. The other students leave them alone. They’re doing well in different classes which allows them to help each other out with what they don’t understand too well. Calum still sucks at maths, and he feels like he’ll never get it right, but they kinda have this deal between them, so he lets Luke try and explain to him calculus and whatever else maths involve. Luke seems happy to do so as well, so he sucks it up and tries to focus on the lesson instead of Luke’s pretty face so close to his own.

Weekends are spent studying and playing guitar. Rather, Luke plays and teaches Calum how to play guitar, which he’s surprised to find out he isn’t too bad at. He fumbles around with the chords for a while, fingers feeling too big and clumsy compared to Luke’s smaller ones, but he has fun. He even gets to show off to Michael after a while, which is probably the best day of Calum’s life.

Everything seems sorted out, except for the fact that Calum isn’t paying close enough attention.

* * *

June rolls around and winter with it, and everyone at school is burnt out and on edge, impatiently waiting for the winter break. 

Calum starts noticing Luke acting a bit different, breathing heavy and head spinning more often than not. He keeps coughing in class, excusing himself every so often to go to the bathroom or the infirmary. Calum grows more concerned by the day, because the dizziness seems to be the most prevalent symptom he’s showing, and that’s never good. What if he’s got a really bad disease and he’s going to die? Calum doesn’t want him to die, what would he do without him?

Now Calum is acting like Michael and being all dramatic, but he thinks he’s right to be concerned. Luke can barely make it through PE, you’d think he was asthmatic, but he insists he isn't. “I’m just not feeling well,” he keeps saying, as if that reassures Calum even a little. But he doesn’t push, because Luke gets really upset whenever Calum brings it up, which is concerning in and of itself.

So he doesn’t say anything, until it becomes a problem he can no longer ignore.

They’re late for school after lunch one day, and Calum is pressing for them to hurry.

“Come on, Luke, faster,” he says, a bit out of breath as he takes the stairs two at a time, “we can make it and be only five minutes late if-”

“Cal, I can’t- wait.”

Calum turns around to find Luke struggling to catch up with him, clutching the handrail in both hands. He’s shaking, breath heavy and halting and Calum’s at a loss for what to do. This has been going on for almost three weeks, Luke having to catch himself on walls from time to time, but right now it looks like he could fall over at any moment. Calum shakes himself at that thought, and before it can happen he goes back down the handful of stairs separating him from Luke and helps him up to the last floor.

“Don’t touch me, I can walk,” Luke complains, pushing Calum away and heading towards his classroom.

“Wait-”

“Leave me alone,” Luke sulks.

“Luke, you can barely stand,  _ wait for me _ .”

“No- I’m f- I’m fine- oh shit.”

Before Calum can do anything Luke is dropping to the floor right here in the hallway, barely managing to catch himself on his hands and knees, and Calum is at his side in a second. He can see on Luke’s face that he’s struggling, breath halting as he clutches Calum’s hand in his. He clearly looks like he’s hurting, but Calum doesn’t know from  _ what _ .

Figuring they should get away from potential prying eyes, Calum helps Luke up and brings him to the first empty classroom he finds, propping him against the wall. He makes him drink some water he finds in his bag, because he can’t think of anything else right now, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Calum takes a deep breath. He isn’t prone to panicking, and now isn’t the time to start.

“Luke, you gotta tell me what’s wrong.”

“No,” Luke says, and his voice starts trembling.

“Are you not eating enough, what-

“No, you- you see me eat just fine.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Calum pleads, not able to hide the desperation in his voice anymore. “Luke, please, I just wanna help you.”

Luke erupts into sobs then, hiccuping through them from the lack of breathing already. Calum rubs his arms, kisses the top of his head, not knowing what else to do, but Luke is inconsolable. His sobs are echoing in the empty room, making Calum’s own chest ache in sympathy. He’s out of his depth here, and it looks like Luke is, too.

“Why,” Luke stutters through his tears, “why does being myself have to be so painful?”

“What do you mean?”

Luke sniffs. “If I show you, you promise not to freak out?”

Hesitantly Calum nods, trying hard not to show that he’s  _ already  _ freaking out from the way Luke’s struggling to breathe as he says it. Luke pushes him back and straightens up as much as he can where he’s sitting, then proceeds to take off his jacket, then his sweater, then his two shirts, and Calum has to retain a gasp once he’s taken everything off.

“My god, why did you do that to yourself?” he asks.

Luke lets out another sob, looking away from him. “I just want my chest to look flat, I can’t stand to watch it how it is otherwise, I just  _ can’t _ . I feel like, fucking, ripping it all off,” he spits out.

“But Luke, this isn’t healthy, you’re hurting yourself here.”

His entire chest is wrapped in ace bandages, so many layers of them, days old by the colour of them, bound so tightly his body looks almost out of shape, and taped to his skin. The skin around it is a harsh red, irritated, and of course Luke has been getting dizzy while constricted like that.

“You need to take them off.” Luke shakes his head pointedly. “I’m not giving you a choice, Luke, you can’t  _ breathe _ . You almost passed out.”

“I don’t care.”

“ _ Luke _ . I will take them off you myself.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Calum sighs. He’s getting frustrated, he can feel it. With Luke, with himself, with the situation. With the whole damn world. But he doesn’t want Luke to feel threatened, so he reigns it in. “Luke, take them off.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Stop doing this.”

“You can’t tell me how to feel,” Luke says, spiteful.

“That is  _ not  _ what I’m doing and you know it. I’m just asking you to stop doing something that’s clearly causing you pain.”

Luke looks down, bites his lip. “I just- I don’t want you to look.”

“Then I won’t look. I’ll turn around while you take them off and put your clothes back on, deal?”

For a second Calum thinks he’s going to protest longer, but Luke nods, caving, and Calum turns around like he said he would. He winces when he hears the sound of duct tape being ripped off, wonders why it is that Luke being hurt in any way always makes him want to crawl out of his own skin. He stays like that longer than he thinks is necessary, but he waits, fingers tapping away on his thigh nervously until Luke tells him it’s okay to turn around. 

He looks absolutely defeated here slouched against the wall of this classroom under these too big clothes, tear-streaked face contorted in pain, and it’s like a knife to Calum’s heart, twisting with every new sob escaping Luke’s throat. Calum would just love to wrap his arms around him and hold him close. He wishes that were enough to free Luke of all his pain. But it’s not, and he’s failed to see Luke was hurting and hurting  _ himself _ . He should have paid attention.

“How long have you been wearing that for?” he asks.

Luke sniffs. “‘Bout a month.”

“A whole month? How often do you wear it?”

“What do you mean, how often?” Luke frowns. “I wear it all the time. I don’t wanna take it off, I hate it.”

This is terrible. No wonder Luke basically passed out in front of him. He can’t believe he didn’t even consider this as a possibility. Of course the physical dysphoria is getting worse, of course Luke wants to look the way he feels. It doesn’t matter to Calum, what he looks like, he loves him just the way he is, but obviously Luke doesn’t feel good in this body, not when he feels like he was born in the wrong one. Calum doesn’t understand, that’s never happened to him, but the anguish pouring out of Luke is telling Calum all he needs to know about how painful it is.

“You can’t use those anymore.” Calum says. “Ace bandages are terrible for your lungs and your ribs and your skin- it could cause way more damage than it’s done right now. Don’t actual chest binder things exist?”

“They’re too expensive,” Luke answers, wiping his cheeks. His sobs have died down, just a little, tears now falling silently down his face.

“Shit, are they?”

Luke nods. “But even if they weren’t, I only know how to get them online, but I don’t have a credit card.”

It sucks, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to help his friend. All Calum wants to do in life is to make sure his family and his friends feel good, that they’re happy; it’s crushing not being able to do that.

“I’m not sure I can go back to not binding, I really don’t want to,” Luke says, and Calum can feel the anxiety coming back up.

“I know, I get that.” Calum bites his lips, trying to think of something. “Maybe you can make one yourself? I’m sure there are tutorials out there. How would that be?”

“I think I would like that. Would you- would you help me out?”

“Always. Wanna do it now?”

Luke blinks. “And skip school?”

“Luke,” Calum chuckles, and it feels wrong in this atmosphere, but he can’t help it. “We’re already skipping. What’s two more hours?”

Luke doesn’t argue any more, not too keen on going to class without the binder anyway, and after making him drink more water, Calum helps him up and off they go to Calum’s house where hopefully they can stop Luke from destroying his body.

* * *

“Can I ask you something?” Calum asks Luke in the middle of a movie neither of them are paying attention to while lying in Luke’s bed. They’re not studying this time, Calum solely coming to sleep over and spend the weekend, their parents letting them unwind as winter break is officially starting in a week. Luke asked Michael to come, too, but he declined, claiming he was going somewhere with his parents — the wink he gave Calum after saying that says something else, though — so now it’s just Calum and Luke. Calum isn’t complaining.

Luke has been coming to school with his makeshift binders and a smile plastered on his face all week, but something still feels off. He wasn’t too happy when Calum showed him sources that said not to wear it for longer than eight hours a day, lest it ends up hurting him the same way the ace bandages did, but he accepted it eventually, so it can’t be that. Calum has an idea of what it might be, and he thinks now might be the time to bring it up.

Which is what he’s doing now.

“Sure, what is it?” Luke replies from beside him.

“It’s kind of personal. But not  _ weird  _ personal, I don’t think.”

“Hum, okay? Ask away, I guess.”

Calum pauses the film, turns towards Luke. He’s lounging in a huge black hoodie, hair down for the night. His eyes are looking very clear and blue from this close, it’s breathtaking, and Calum tries to tame the blush rising to his cheeks. He’s glad his skin doesn’t turn red too easily or he would be toast. He clears his throat.

“Do you like your clothes?”

“What do you mean?” Luke frowns.

“I don’t know, I just,” he sighs, not sure how to phrase this. “Since the beginning it’s seemed like you’re wearing these clothes because that’s what ‘guys’ wear. But I’ve seen you look into shop windows, and I’ve seen you look at girls, right? And I know you’re not into them, so I kind of thought about it and- I guess my question is: would you rather wear more…  _ feminine  _ clothes than what you have right now?”

Luke isn’t looking at him anymore, jaw clenched and eyes guarded. Calum is about to ask if he’s out of line, if he made him mad or if he was being inappropriate, because the last thing he wants to do is hurt Luke’s feelings, but then he really looks at him. He’s shaking, fists clenched close to his sides and holding back tears, and Calum thinks he probably just hit a nerve. He’s probably spot on, and Luke doesn’t know what to do about it. Chances are he hasn’t even processed it himself yet.

“Luke, it’s okay-”

“No it’s not!” Luke shouts, getting off the bed. “Why can’t I be normal in  _ some  _ way? I’m just making things harder for myself, why can’t I just be happy my mum even lets me wear guy’s clothes?”

“No, please don’t think that.” Calum joins Luke, holding Luke’s hands to make sure he has his attention, preventing him from scratching at his palms with his nails too roughly at the same time. “Luke, you have every right to like being a feminine guy. No one is going to hold that against you. Well, some people might, but you can’t live thinking about them.”

Luke lets out a sob, and sorrow clutches at Calum’s throat when he realizes the sound is getting more familiar than his own crying noises.

“Why do I have to be the trans guy who likes girl stuff?”

“I know, it’s confusing, I’m so sorry, babe.”

The pet name escapes him before he has time to think about it, but he ignores it, brings Luke close to him, wraps him in his arms, and he’s so tall it must be uncomfortable, hiding his face in Calum’s neck, but he does it either way, holding onto Calum for dear life.

“But I  _ want  _ my body to look like a guy,” he whispers, voice cracking, “I want to look masculine, and it’s driving me crazy that I don’t at the moment. And it doesn’t make sense, but maybe I wouldn’t mind wearing flowery tops and painting my nails as well.”

“And that would be okay. I swear, Luke, it would be okay.”

It would. It  _ is _ , even if Luke doesn't realize it. It must be incredibly confusing. Calum can't even begin to imagine how Luke is feeling right now. And he doesn't have any answers as to how to make his friend feel better at all, no matter how much he wishes he did. All he can offer is his undying support and love and hope for the best. It just feels like it’s too little, sometimes.

They stay like that for a while, Luke leaning on Calum in more ways than physically, and Calum is happy to hold him up until he can stand on his own without falling apart.

* * *

“How’s it going with loverboy?” Michael asks when they meet up after school at Michael’s house a few days later. Calum hasn’t been here in a while, too busy hanging out with Luke, and he feels guilty for leaving his friend out, even if Michael keeps assuring him it’s okay.

“Stop calling him that.”

“Will not. He  _ is  _ your loverboy. Even if you don’t wanna do anything about it.”

“I won’t. I told you-”

“Luke’s not in the right mindset for that, I know,” Michael sighs, going back to his snack.

This is why Calum has always loved Michael. He likes to tease and poke fun at Calum from time to time, because Calum is an easy target and he always laughs along, but he knows when to stop, and he listens. He never discards Luke’s feelings or, god forbid, Calum’s. At first glance, Michael may seem like just another teenager who doesn’t care about anything other than himself, who talks back and would rather be in his own world than be with others, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, he’s introverted and feels more comfortable on his own than with strangers, but he likes being in the presence of his friends, and he’s one of the most considerate people Calum has ever known.

And now, at eighteen years old, Calum has made peace with the fact that they’re best friends, but they both spent the first few years of their friendship thinking they’d fall in love and get married. But they kept growing up and they didn’t fall in love, not even a little bit of  _ something _ , and it was one of the most upsetting things Calum had ever experienced. Looking back on it, it seems obvious that they thought they’d live their lives together because they were each other’s support system, and they just thought it’d translate into something else.

He’s glad Michael’s his best friend right now, though, because for one, the thought of dating Michael now is absolutely laughable, and for two, that means he has someone to talk with about the boy he’s actually feeling  _ something  _ for.

“I’m just sad I can’t make it all better for him,” Calum says, food forgotten.

“It sucks, but that’s not how it works.”

“I know, it’s just- like you said, it sucks. Ass, balls, it sucks  _ everything _ .”

Michael chuckles at Calum’s whining but he takes Calum’s hand in his, which makes Calum’s own lips curve into a small smile.

“I’m sure you’ve helped him more than you realize, though.”

“You think so?”

“I’m sure of it,” Michael assures. “You’re like the first person to accept him fully without question, and you’re helping him figure out stuff about himself with no judgement whatsoever. You’re doing more than most people in his life have done.”

Michael’s right, which is so unfair. It’s unfair and heartbreaking to think that five months ago the only thing close to support Luke had was from his mother, and even then it wasn’t very genuine. It’s heartbreaking to think that if his path hadn’t crossed Calum’s he might still be on his own today. And Calum knows that in the end, it’s Luke who’s doing all the work, it’s Luke who has to work on how he feels and who has to figure out who he is. But that doesn’t mean that he should have to go through it alone, cause that’s just lonely and the last thing Luke needs is to feel like he doesn’t belong with anyone because that isn’t true.

“Come on,” Michael says. “Finish your snack and then I’ll show you my new setup in my room. It’s so sick, you’d be so jealous if you liked gaming.”

“But I don’t, do I?”

He’d never tell Michael, but maybe he kind of does, and maybe he hurries to finish his food so that he can see Michael’s setup faster.

* * *

“H’llo?”

“Hey, Luke,” Calum almost shouts into the phone in excitement.

“Why are you calling me at ten a.m. on a Saturday?”

“Did I wake you up?” Calum winces. “Sorry. Can you come by my house today? I have something for you.”

“You do?” He can almost hear Luke’s frown, and he smiles wider imagining Luke’s adorable scrunched up face.

It doesn’t take much convincing for Luke to say he’ll be here in an hour, and Calum is pacing around his room that whole time, impatiently waiting. You’d think he was the one about to receive something, but he can’t help it. It’s for  _ Luke _ , and he’s going to be so freaking happy, and Calum can’t wait to see his face light up in joy.

Winter break has done them both good so far. Not that Calum had had a lot of issues to begin with, but he’d been getting tired already, worked up from classes and the stress of applying for college without knowing exactly what he was going to be doing. He hadn’t put too much thought into it, and then one day it’d been time to start doing something about it and Calum had been kind of out of his depth. He’d picked a few schools his parents thought he could get into without much trouble, and now he’s getting ready to send the applications.

Well, not _now_ now, because now is winter break and Calum is intent on doing absolutely nothing apart from eating too much, learning to play guitar, and seeing his friends. It’s only been a week so far, but Luke's face has been looking a lot more smoothed out already, relaxing a bit more in the safety of his own home. Or Calum’s. The fact that he’s been opening up to Calum about how he wants to present himself and about who he is has probably taken a weight off his shoulders as well.

It’s part of why Calum is so excited to give Luke his present, and he’s buzzing in excitement when he finally hears the knock on the door, exactly fifty-seven minutes after Luke had hung up. Not that Calum is counting or anything.

“You look chipper,” is the first thing Luke says when Calum greets him with a hug and a kiss to his cheek.

“You will be, too, believe me. Come on.”

Luke trails hesitantly but curiously behind him as they go up to Calum’s room, looking around once the door is closed behind them. Having Luke here is now as familiar as having Michael here, the time Luke told him how comfortable and at home he felt at Calum’s place still warming Calum’s heart weeks later.

“So,” Calum starts, grinning at Luke, “I know your birthday is in, like, five days and I swear I wanted to wait to give you your present,  _ but _ . Here’s the thing. Michael and I both worked together to get you something, and it came in this morning by the mail, and I just couldn’t wait. I want you to have this now.”

“What- what is it?”

“Sit down.”

Once Luke is seated at the foot of the bed, Calum retrieves his gift from his wardrobe. In the brown package is a nude chest binder Calum had found online after first starting to talk about it with Luke, and he fell in love with it. He knew instantly that he needed to get it for Luke’s birthday, he needed to give this to him and give him some kind of happiness. Luke is liking the makeshift ones so far, but he’s had a few mishaps with them as sometimes the fabric gets looser as he wears it, and it doesn’t hold for as long as he’d hope. Calum holds the package close to his own chest one last time before turning around to stand in front of Luke.

“Are you ready?”

“I guess.” Luke shrugs. “Though I’m a little apprehensive, I have to say.”

“Don’t be. I’m sorry it’s in this ugly mail package, but I didn’t have time to wrap it in pretty paper. Okay, here. Happy eighteenth birthday.”

He hands the package to Luke, who takes it with shaky hands and takes a minute before opening it, taking deep breaths. Calum can see it in his posture, in his face, Luke knows this is something big and he’s steeling himself for it. So Calum watches, fingers pressed to his lips, wishing he had longer nails to nibble on as Luke starts unwrapping it slowly, so slowly. Calum wants to tell him to hurry, wants to see the smile break out on his face, but he waits, lets Luke go at his own pace.

The wrapping comes off little by little, and Calum can see the exact moment Luke realizes what he’s holding in his hands. It’s like he stops breathing, air caught in his throat, and he keeps looking from Calum to the binder and back to Calum, eyes wide like he can’t process what's in front of him.

“Did you- is that?” he asks in a trembling voice, and Calum can only nod fervently, before frowning when Luke doesn’t say anything else, gaze locked onto the binder. Doubt starts creeping into Calum as the minutes pass and Luke remains frozen in place, not a word escaping his mouth. Was this not okay? Did Luke want to pick it out himself?

He takes a hesitant step forward, then a second until he can kneel in front of Luke. Looking up into his face is distracting; even though it’s a mix of indiscernible emotions right now it’s still Luke’s face, and he’s so pretty, so radiant the sun has nothing on him. He shakes these thoughts. Maybe Michael is right — maybe he  _ is _ falling more and more in love with this golden boy in front of him — but now is not the time to focus on it.

“Luke?” he asks, waits until Luke looks straight at him. His eyes are shining. “Are you okay? Should I not have done this?”

Luke lets out a chuckle, shakes his head as a single tear rolls down his cheek. “No, I’m good. I’m just- my god I can’t believe you got this for me. I don’t know if I want to cry or scream or hug you or cry really hard.”

“Whatever you want. Just let it out.”

Before he’s done talking he finds himself with an armful of Luke, who’s clinging to him so hard it gets difficult to breathe quite fast, but Calum doesn’t care. Not when he can feel tears wetting his shirt, not when Luke starts shaking against him, not when he keeps whispering  _ thank you _ over and over. He sounds so grateful and relieved and like he can finally breathe properly, and Calum can’t help it, starts crying with him as he strokes his back soothingly.

Once Luke has calmed down a little — and after many, many more  _ thank yous _ and more hugging — he disappears into Calum’s bathroom to put the binder on. It’s not an easy feat and he spends a long time in there trying to figure out how to fit in the bloody thing, but he won’t accept Calum’s help, which Calum respects, so he doesn’t push. Instead he sends a quick text to Michael telling him how it was the best present they could ever get Luke.

Michael’s reply is a black heart followed by a  **_give him a kiss for me, will you? ;)_ ** which Calum elects to ignore.

It’s when Luke comes back into the room with only his shirt on that Calum finally sees it, the brightest smile he’s ever seen on Luke’s’s face, showing his teeth and making the corner of his eyes crinkle gorgeously. It’s the happiest he’s ever seen Luke, and joy wells up in Calum’s own Luke-filled heart at the sight.

“How do I look?” Luke asks.

“Amazing,” Calum replies, breathless, and he knows Luke’s really asking if he’s looking flat enough, but the only thing Calum can focus on is that damn smile and the sheer glow surrounding Luke. It’s like he’s a new person all of a sudden. He’s not, he’s  _ Luke _ , but the undeniable happiness around him feels new and it’s the best thing Calum has ever seen. He watches as Luke walks around the room, feeling himself up and glancing at Calum every so often, smile growing more shy and cheeks rosier with every time Calum tells him he looks beautiful.

“You’re the best thing to ever happen to me,” Luke whispers into Calum’s neck when he hugs him again, and Calum hugs him back, heart screaming  _ you are, too. _

* * *

It’s not that Calum intends to get more comfortable with Luke after that, but it just kind of happens.

He didn’t think it was even possible without actually getting together, but apparently he was wrong.

He doesn’t really notice, at first. Luke is there a lot, to study or to watch movies or to go to the mall or to just hang out and do nothing, loving to take naps on Calum’s bed while Calum studies, and then one day Calum just blinks and suddenly Luke is never  _ not here _ . 

And by blinking he really means Michael points it out to him, as seems to have been the case since the beginning.

“What are you doing here?” Calum asks him, surprised when he shows up at his house with a huge duffle bag.

“What do you- you were supposed to show up at mine like half an hour ago, what the fuck Cal?”

“Shh, my mom’s in the kitchen!”

“Whatever.” Michael shrugs. “Did you really forget?”

“I’m sorry, what did I forget?”

“How am I even allowing you to be my best friend? I have a date tonight? You’re supposed to help me pick out my clothes?”

If Calum’s eyes were to get any wider, they would explode out of their sockets. It’s Saturday. Shit. It’s Saturday, and Calum agreed to make Michael look absolutely handsome because he got himself a date with  _ Ashton _ , who works at the record shop downtown. And Ashton is super cool and hot and he’s a year older than Michael, and Michael has no idea how to dress up on his own.

Shit. Calum had totally forgotten. Which explains why Michael is here on his doorstep at five pm with a bag probably filled with clothes.

“Shit, fuck I’m so sorry-”

“Calum Thomas Hood, what is this language I’m hearing?”

“Sorry mum!”

“Hi Joy! Will you tell Cal to let me in? Your son is being a very bad host.”

“Oh, fine, come in. Lose your shoes, mum just cleaned the house.”

Michael does, taking a detour by the kitchen to greet Calum’s mom, earning himself a typical Mama Hood hug and a kiss on his rosy cheek. Calum’s mum absolutely adores Michael, and she’s never pretended otherwise.

“So, what’s so important that you forgot your best friend’s first date in months?”

“Nothing.”

“I do  _ not  _ believe that.”

And he’s right not to believe it. Calum opens his door to reveal Luke slouched on his stomach on the bed where he fell asleep not too long before Michael showed up. He looks a bit ridiculous, swimming in this big red hoodie and mouth half open with his hair covering a big part of his face, but Calum still feels his heart swoon at the sight. He just wants to join him and cuddle up to him the way they do sometimes when Luke is especially tired. 

Next to him Michael chuckles, shaking him out of his rather nice thoughts.

“So that’s what’s been keeping your mind busy, huh.”

“I’m so sorry. We weren’t even doing anything important, we were just… here,” Calum admits sheepishly.

“I see that. How long has he been here for?”

“He showed up this morning after breakfast.”

Michael drops his back and just hums pensively, as if he’s just realized something that only he is privy to. Calum doesn’t want to ask. But he also really wants to ask.

“Oh, nothing,” Michael whispers when Calum does ask, making sure not to wake the napping boy. “It’s just kinda been a thing, lately, hasn’t it?”

“What has?"

“Luke being wherever you are.”

Calum huffs. “We don’t spend that much time together.”

“Calum. From the outside, it literally looks like you’re dating. Wait, are you?”

“No. Not yet, at least.”

Michael raises an eyebrow, interested. “Oh?”

“Don’t get too excited. I want to wait for the right time. But, I don’t know. It feels like something could happen.”

He turns back towards Luke, who hasn’t moved an inch despite the voices in the room. It  _ has  _ been feeling like something could happen. Not that Luke is now perfectly happy or a hundred percent comfortable all of a sudden, but it doesn’t feel like he could unravel at any moment — although Calum isn’t delusional and knows that it will most likely happen again — and the looks he gives Calum sometimes remind Calum of what he feels inside when he thinks about Luke. Like he wants to reach out the way he does every day but not have it mean the same thing.

And Michael is right. Fuck, it sucks to admit it, even to himself, but he is. If they were close six months ago, today they’re attached at the hip, running back to each other unconsciously after a few hours apart. Maybe it isn’t healthy, but it’s felt right so far.

“Okay.” Michael shakes him out of his thoughts again. “I’m sorry if I made you have some kind of revelation right now, but I still have a date in two hours and I need to not look like a modern caveman.”

“Sure, yeah, okay. Let’s do that.”

Luke sleeps through Michael’s visit, and once Michael is gone after promising he’ll text him the details, Calum joins Luke like he wanted to before, at a safe distance to admire the way Luke’s eyelashes flutter in his sleep, grazing his cheeks every so often. 

* * *

It’s a Saturday morning and Luke and Calum are lounging on Calum’s bed again, because do they ever do anything separately anymore?

“Cal?”

“Yeah?”

“I wanna cut my hair.”

Calum looks up from his phone, looking at Luke with a frown. “I know.”

“No,” Luke shakes his head, “I wanna cut it now.”

“Like  _ now _ , now?”

“Yes. And mum gave me some money so I could go whenever I’m ready, and I’m really ready right now, so I wanna go.”

He’s looking at Calum expectantly, eyes begging him to say yes and come with him. Calum doesn’t argue, absolutely infatuated with Luke the way he is, and twenty minutes later they’ve caught a bus to the barbershop downtown. Luke had always said he wanted to go to her — Kelly, her name is — because he often comes with Calum when he goes to get his hair cut here, and she hasn’t misgendered him once ever since he told her she needed to call him Luke.

She also never messes with Calum’s curls, which was a great selling point, because it meant Luke could trust her with his. He’s told Calum many times how much he likes his own curls and that as long as they’re not long anymore, he never wants to get rid of them. Calum has to agree, because Luke’s hair is a treasure, makes Luke look all sunny and sweet like the end of November, and he loves running his hand through it whenever Luke is being all cuddly and tired.

Thankfully Kelly isn’t too busy when they get there, and she agrees to take care of Luke if they can wait twenty minutes, so they go and sit on the couch in the waiting area. They don’t really talk, just scroll away on their phones as Luke watches the man here get his hair cut short from the corner of his eye. It’s way shorter than what Luke wants his to look like, but it’s still giving him a taste of what’s to come, and Calum can feel him getting restless next to him. The haircut is probably the easiest change Luke can make, but he’s been waiting for it for a long time. He’s mostly been putting it off in regards to his mom, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue anymore as she’s been showing more open support lately, so there’s no reason to not do it now.

When finally it’s Luke’s turn, Calum gives him one last smile and a thumbs up as he gets ready. Calum watches, eyes stupidly filling with tears as Kelly works her magic and Luke’s hair starts to fall to the floor. He can’t see Luke’s face from where he’s seated, just the back of his head, but he can picture him trying to hide his smile — he does that, sometimes, probably because he doesn’t want to jinx it by  _ looking  _ too happy — and not succeeding. Kelly is talking with him conversationally, though Calum can’t make out what they’re saying.

It doesn’t take too long, and before he knows it Calum’s getting called to take a look at Luke.

“How do you like it?” Luke asks, and Calum was right, he’s trying hard not to smile, but Calum can see it in his eyes. They look even more blue now, big and bright, and once again Calum finds himself lost in his beauty.

He looks so pretty and graceful and  _ lovely _ , delicate yet strong features on display the way they were with his hair tied back, but somehow he looks better than ever. Calum would have thought that impossible thirty minutes ago, but it’s the truth. The curls, still undefined and messy, are cut short and framing his face beautifully, a longer strand hanging down the side of his face. He looks like a piece of art, glowing and lively, and Calum wonders, if —  _ when, it has to be when  _ — Luke gets to a place of actual happiness and contentment, how beautiful he's going to be. Because it seems the happier he gets, the more ethereal Calum finds him.

Calum stumbles through an answer about how he thinks it suits Luke amazingly, trying not to sound so obviously smitten, but thankfully he doesn’t have to say too much to have Luke grinning from ear to ear as he looks away shyly.

He notices Kelly rolling her eyes fondly from beside them before ushering them both outside, shaking her head no when Luke takes out the cash from his pocket.

“Oh, no way, it’s on the house for you today, honey. Now you go and be your beautiful self, alright?”

A blush rises to Luke’s cheeks, and he thanks her a million times until Calum has to drag him by the hand, uttering a brief goodbye to the smiling hairdresser as they get out of the barbershop.

Calum doesn’t let go of Luke’s hand, and Luke’s smile remains on his face the whole way home.

* * *

Calum can see heads turn when they go back to school on Monday. At first he’s feeling protective; the only reason he doesn’t tell people to stop being rude is because Luke tells him to ignore them. Luke is used to ignoring people’s judgmental stares, he muses, so he does as Luke tells him even if he really wants to get mad. But then a few days pass, then a full week, and Calum notices Luke holding himself taller and higher, not hiding behind Calum, and he’s hit by the realization that Luke  _ wants  _ to be looked at.

It’s still winter, but somehow Luke has shed a few layers of clothes and it’s nothing like what he’s showed Calum he wants to wear but it’s not so dull, sweaters with a touch of gold or a blue streak that must have been hidden at the back of his wardrobe, and he wants people to look at him. He wants people to see him like this, curls sitting at the top of his head and pretty clothes on. There’s no doubt he’s faking the level of confidence he’s showing, but fuck if Calum isn’t proud of him either way.

He takes it upon himself not to say anything, letting Luke do this on his own. He can’t do  _ nothing  _ though, so he shows his love and support by telling Luke how great he looks and occasionally linking their fingers together or squeezing his hand, pointedly ignoring the blush rising to Luke’s cheek each time.

“I can’t believe how much you’ve changed my life for the better in such a short time,” Luke tells him a few weeks later, because of course Luke is observant and perceptive and he’s noticed the little things. “I don’t think I would have ever had the confidence to be myself if it weren’t for you.”

Calum smiles, squeezing Luke’s hand where it’s lying between them on Luke’s bed. “Well, I’m glad I could help. But it was in you all along, I just gave you a little push. Give yourself some credit here.”

“Okay,” Luke concedes, a soft look in his eyes, “we did it together, then. Thank you for helping me out.”

“Always.”

* * *

Life isn't feeling too bad right about now. 

Spring has sprung and the two of them are walking together to Luke’s house after school under the sun, bright but not scaldingly hot yet. It’s Calum’s favourite part of the year, when they’ve been buried under scarfs and big sweaters for weeks on end and are ready to feel the sun on their skins and get their spirits lifted. The air feels fresh and clean and Calum could walk for hours in this weather. Especially if he could do it beside Luke.

But Luke has been silent the whole way, and his nervous energy is looming over them like crazy. Calum hasn’t dared ask until now, preferring to wait until they’re both in the comfort of Luke’s room so as to appease him a little, but they still have ten minutes to walk and Calum is feeling restless.

“What’s wrong?” he asks softly, fingers grazing Luke’s as he veers closer to him. He doesn’t reach for Luke's hand, but the thought that he  _ could  _ makes his stomach dance excitedly.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Calum is about to protest, but Luke goes on before he can, bashful. Luke hasn’t sounded bashful with him for months. “It’s just that I bought something the other day. At the mall. And I haven’t tried it on yet.”

“Do you wanna try it on while I’m here?” Luke nods, shoulders slouching in relief, and Calum finds it scary sometimes how he can understand what Luke isn’t saying with his words.

They wave a quick hello to Luke’s mum when they get to the house, and Calum feels rude running off to Luke’s room like that without chatting a little bit with her, but he doesn’t complain, understands that Luke is kind of in a hurry right now. And, Calum has to admit, he’s more than a little curious himself.

Luke instructs him to sit on the edge of the bed, which Calum does, watching Luke rummage through his closet even though he must know exactly where he put what he’s looking for.

“Okay,” Luke says finally, piece of clothing hidden behind his back. “Can you close your eyes while I put it on? It won’t take too long.”

“Sure,” Calum says, closing his eyes.

This is something they’ve done many times over. Luke doesn’t always feel the need to change in the bathroom if Calum is here anymore, but he’ll ask Calum not to look while he does so. It’s not like Calum is a big fan of taking his own clothes off in front of people, either, so Luke doesn’t feel too bad about it. 

“All good?” he asks when the sounds of clothes being taken off and put on have stopped.

“Yeah. I don’t know if I like how it turned out, but you can look.”

And, fuck, but Calum looks, and he doesn’t know if he ever wants to stop looking. Luke is standing there with the same converse and black jeans and possibly the prettiest thing he’s ever worn. The faux-silk button up is a soft shade of pink to match Luke’s cheeks, small black stars adorning the cuffs and the collar where Luke keeps tugging on it. The way he’s standing, bouncing from one foot to the other and lip caught between his teeth is just so endearing Calum wants to pick him up and put him in the pocket of his jacket, so that he could feel him with every heartbeat.

Instead he stands up, takes Luke’s hands in his before they can mess with the fabric too much.

“Luke, I love it. You look so pretty.”

“Really? Be honest, you have to tell me if I look ridiculous.”

Calum can see the conflict on Luke’s face. He can see how much he loves it, wants Calum to love it, too, but his eyes keep glancing from Calum to the ground nervously, and Calum won't stand for it. Luke may not be aware of how much beauty there is in him, but it’s there and it fills up Calum's heart; there's so much of it he doesn't know what to do with it. But he needs Luke to know how breathtaking he is, here in his new shirt and standing awkwardly in his bedroom. He needs him to know, so he does the only thing he can think of on the spot.

Gently, so as not to spook him, Calum brings his hands to Luke's face, skin soft under his long fingers. He can feel Luke’s breath stutter as he brings their faces closer, and closer until he can fit their lips together. There’s no explosion of fireworks like people have described a first kiss to be like, but instead a steady warmth settles in him, like coming home, and he wants to stay there. The kiss is chaste and sweet, and Luke's lips are so soft under his own, just like the rest of him.

Before long Luke leans back, hands coming up to cover Calum’s on his cheeks, the look on his face undeniably  _ happy _ . Calum really likes that look on him. 

“You really meant it, didn’t you?” Luke whispers. He also sounds happy, and it might be the best day of Calum's life. 

“I did. I  _ do _ ,” Calum insists. “You are the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen.”

“You really think so?” Luke says, and he’s beaming like he never has and he looks like he already believes it this time.

“Luke,  _ you _ ,” he pecks Luke’s nose once, “are the embodiment of actual sunshine.”

If possible, Luke's cheeks turn an even deeper shade of pink. “Stop it.”

“But you  _ are _ !”

If Calum needed any more confirmation that he was absolutely, indisputably  _ in love _ , the shy but pleased giggle Luke lets out right then would be it.

“Can I kiss you again?” Luke asks, and Calum lets out the happiest laugh against Luke’s lips as he leans forward.

“Thought you’d never ask.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!  
> comments/kudos are always appreciated :)  
> also i'm on [tumblr](https://michaelownsmyheart.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say hi!


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